Loss of Hearing My Inner Voice

It has been a very very long time since I had a day to myself. On Friday, I went down to Wadi Mujib for an overnight. Here is how I spent my perfect 24 hours!

While driving I was listening & singing some of my favorite oldies & enjoying the scenery along the road. Immediately after checking in around 4 pm I laid down on the hammock facing dead sea. I started eating Man'aoush half zaa'tar & half cheese :-) yummy yummy. How humanity could survive without zaa'tar :-)

I rocked myself (on the hammock) from one side to another till 9 pm. I was not reading, nor listening to music... I was just observing silence, sea, mountains, sunset, darkness, stars....filling my soul with peace.

I went inside my room assuming that I am gonna sleep on the spot, instead I read till 10:30. Next morning, the minute I opened my eyes & for 2 hours tugged under a blanket, laying on the hammock I felt & enjoyed the early sun light & cool breath. After breakfast, I took some pictures of the area & went down to the sea level with my book. I kept on tossing under the sun like a Shwerma on a grill & reading till 4:30 pm. I finished the novel :-) then I went back to my room packed & laid again on my hummock singing my gratitude prayer.

I uprooted myself to leave... left craving for more. Despite this unfulfilled feeling & the short period, I managed to see a tremendous change of how I was feeling before & after. A soul make over!

I can't believe of all what I know about myself, I managed to clutter my inner self with daze, chaos and noise. To extent I have hard time hearing my inner voice. I lost my serenity & connection with myself. I lost my best friend. What terrified me most, is that when I considered going alone a feeling of of aloneness & loneliness overwhelmed me. Which I never had before...I do maintain & restore my balance when I am alone.

For months I had this nagging need of spending time in nature by myself or with just one friend. My daily working out is not enough any more to maintain my serenity. Exercising in a gym is not a meditating routine… not like walking outdoors. Staying in my house for a couple of hours now & then is not enough... I could not any longer digest & reflect on all these events, emotions, & people around me.

I transformed my life from a life revolving around a few precious people to a life full of people & social events. I no longer could manage a balance between time for myself & time for others.

I know my reasons for postponing spending time alone but it is not an excuses to permit myself to reach such a stage. These noises & chaotic emotions that fills my soul have to end. I want my best friend & true self back.

It is just one corrective action that I need to take: Plenty of out door activities alone

My recipe for a perfect day consists of:

• Being in nature, near water is an added value
• Enjoying silence
• Hearing my inner voice
• Reading a good book
• Eating yummy food
• Listing my blessings

May our souls be blessed with serenity, peace & connection with our true selves.
more photos

On which bases can I identify myself?

I am in always quest to understand myself to know exactly who I am. Since I am in constant change I have been thinking that I need to come up by a kind of classification to fit myself in. I don't care about giving myself labels as much to know who I am really.

I started by combining my nationality, religion, skin colour, gender, ethnic group, to come up by who I am. This left lot of parts of me unidentified. So I can't be only this. Specially, these are among the things I didn't choose in life but they certainly shaped who I am.

Then I thought of my social roles, roles I perform on life stage; daughter, sister, student, friend, lover, manager, colleague, aunt; and more. Is the sum of these social roles define who I am?
To some extent in each role I behave, react, and act differently. More, these roles are not static; from one period to another I change roles; move out from some & take new ones. Does this mean I change my identity each time? As well, I don't place same priority for each role. Example, being an aunt is more important for me than being a manager.

Reflecting deeper, I realize I am not the same person 15,10, 7, 3 years ago. I assume I am growing ;-) My character has changed from experiences I went through, knowledge i acquired and skills I learned. But certain values have not changed, I am still serious, playful, kind, bla bla. Which characteristics can be changed & which arenintrinsic? Are my self core characteristics genetics, something I can't change but they could label me for as long as I live!

For me to recap my kharabeesh:

1. I am Chinese, Christian, Female, with black skin colour (inborn)
2. I am a daughter, sister, manger, friend (social roles)
3. I am kind, generous, stupid (core characteristics)

There is a something in me refuse to be the sum of these, as two classifications: inborn, & core characteristics I have no control of.

I guess I need to search to know more how self identify is classified.