My last lesson in the last day of 2009

My dad appeared on the new year eve dressed with a joyful smile. Our kids looked up at him and asked Sido why you are putting a flower in your pocket? He answered: “It is new year & I am wearing a new shirt as well, look... ” Do you want to smell the flower?

At that moment it hits me …. I ceased to really celebrate personal special days like my birthdays, valentine, new year, anniversaries. I have no longer joy in these days!

How I allowed myself to reach this stage! Am I depressed! Lost interest in life! Have no passion for life! Are all days the same!

I looked at dad again, he is much older than me; he is the one who should be depressed from all he went through & saw in his 69 years. Yet, he still celebrates new year from his heart.

My last lesson in the last day of 2009... I won't let what's so ever to deprive me from the joy of my special days. The joy is inside me, its a mental status, I control it.

I'll make sure that my resolutions for 2010 to include:

• Celebrating my birthday regardless of old memories & who is there to celebrate it;
• Celebrating new years with the joy of anticipating a new good days to come;
• Making sure to remember anniversaries when I fall in love again;
• Giving myself a gift on special occasions;
• & not to be with who stopped celebrating life.

Grieving Process Based on Newton's Law of Motion

Before I start my mumbling about grieving I want to share a couple of thoughts to establish a common background;

1- Grieving is not about who left who or what is the effect on the one who is been dumped.

2- Grieving process do not apply on me as some of its stages are irrelevant ; denial, bargaining, and acceptance. A rule I live by; you can't give orders to love. Hence, whatever I decide or my other significant decides is accepted as it is, without denial or bargaining,

3- We live in a continuous circle of love/loss. I am not sure if I will envy you, if you have just loved/lost once in your life. We become who we are of what we experience in our limited time.

So back to my major issue of this year Grieving.

I always thought I don't digest well specially when it comes to pain... I thought it takes me long time to acknowledge my loss that's why I have no immediate reaction. After a couple of major losses in my life I finally realized my personal grieving process. I follow Newton's law of motion. Don't prejudge me wait. I am still not hallucinating. One of Newton's law of motion is “For every action there is a reaction equal in magnitude and opposite direction”. When someone like me savor every moment in life & lives it to the fullest, it is normal to grieve each savored moment.

That is the philosophical background. It reflects how deep I am!

To make it simple what I mean by “grieving Newton's way” in layman words:

For every first time after my loss …I pack my gym bag I will remember every bag we packed & the discussion we had over what we missed and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I see a blue city I will wish that my X is with me and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I forget to bring my towel in the shower I will call my X and remember there is no one to bring it and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I eat a tuna in whatever variety it is cooked I will think how my X will drip on it and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I hear thunder I will experience the fear of my X and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I pump my head in cupboard because I forgot to close it, I will hear my X saying “You would never learn to close them” and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I go shopping my eye will catch what my X loves and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I remember our future plans, dreams I wonder which one I still want and I will cry;

My X birthday comes, I'd remember how every previous birthday was celebrated, wish secretly my X happiness and I will cry;

For my first New Year after my loss... I will remember our embrace, kiss and wish I won't cry any more.

May we all as long we are breathing be able to give & receive love no matter who and what we lost.