Love Relationship Themes

If we pause and contemplate on each relations we had as adults, we will figure out that each one has a central issue about it. Each theme holds a different suffering to go through. I am sure there are more themes but at least what I am aware of are:

Begging Theme
I love you, I will do anything for you
I love you, please stay
I love you, I will never love again like I love you
I love you, I will take good care of you
I love you, please don't go

Hurt Theme
I love you but please stop doing XXX it hurts me
I love you but please I am not feeling well of doing XXX
I love you could we please not do this any more
I love you but I can't take it any more
I love you but please give me space

Shame Theme
I love you but I can't stay with you
I love you but my belief & values don't allow me to be with you
I love you but what we are doing is wrong
I love you but my family, friends, neighbors will start to talk
I love you but I feel ashamed of us
I love you but my guilt is larger than my love

I Don't Care Theme
I love you but I am not interested in whatever you are interested in
I love you but can I watch TV now
I love you but I can't join you at your parents dinner
I love you but I have work to do
I love you but sorry I did not get you anything for your birthday

Sexless Theme
I love you but don't kiss me
I love you but I don't feel like making love tonight
I love you but could you just hug me
I love you but I don't know why I can not touch you

Some could be totally unlucky to experience two themes in the same relations; then their agony & hurt is doubled. But most cases will be a mix of one of the above themes & Love theme.
Any how, each theme teach us a lesson and gives us more insight of what we want in life.


p.s.
I left the Love theme till then then because it is my day dream one :-)

Love Theme
I love you.... I love you too
I care about you..... I care more
I want you.... I can't take my hands off you
I want to go out with my friends... I want to visit my parents
I am coming home early... my my what a romantic dinner
I want to join you @ your parents dinner... I want to be with you when you pick your sister
I want to leave my Job... I will help you finding a better one
I miss you... I will pick you up
I will pick the laundry... I will cook
I will massage your back.... could you please do my head too
Where will we travel this year?....em em China
Dance with me? .... I melt in your arms
You make me laugh.. you bring me joy
What do you think is a proper reaction... I guess you'll have to apologize
What is your new fantasy? .... To be a :-) to do :-)

I guess my definition of  Love is a tango of friendship filled with passion & lived with romantic moments.

I go back to my day dream.

An Onion Model for Relationships Management

Past months led me to think deeply on how I view relationships and what do they mean to me. Since a big portion of my brain is built into analysis & modeling I came up with this analogy; relationships are wrapped into layers similar to onion layers. My onion is made up of five layers: the central layer is my relationship with myself, then in sequence, comes precious people layer, friends layer, duty layer and acquaintances layer.

My relation with myself is the core for all my other relationships. Getting to know myself, accepting, and loving her is my ultimate quest in life. It is not narcissism nor selfishness. My argument for this point is:

• If I don't know myself well, how would I let others know me...
• If I don't accept myself as it is with all my shortcoming & defaults, who would accept me ...
• If I don't love myself who would love me...
• If I don't cherish myself, who would cherish me...

My second layer is designated for my precious ones; the ones who I love unconditionally, accept them as they are. For them I do anything to maintain their well being and growth in life. I am there for them without them asking. This layer is for loved ones & a partner.

Then comes the friends layer, friends who I trust, love and care about. Friends who are an added value to my life.

The forth layer comes for duty relations; people who I am obliged to care for out of duty but not love. Some family members or old friends could fall into this category.

Last layer is for acquaintances; people who I share an interest or a hobby with, colleagues at work, etc...People who are nice to know.

Having this perspective has helped me to prioritize my resources accordingly; specially time, love & attention.

One more thing, since the only constant in life is change, therefore, people in these layers are not static. They are not placed in any given layer for a lifetime; their status is upgradable or downgrade-able. Usually downgrading is accompanied with grief process. Upgrading requires time, trust & effort and it is something I am very precocious about simply because I don't let go easily. Who would take loosing & grieving easily!

May we have fruitful relations in our life & may the bad ones make from us better people (not bitter).

Cheers

My last lesson in the last day of 2009

My dad appeared on the new year eve dressed with a joyful smile. Our kids looked up at him and asked Sido why you are putting a flower in your pocket? He answered: “It is new year & I am wearing a new shirt as well, look... ” Do you want to smell the flower?

At that moment it hits me …. I ceased to really celebrate personal special days like my birthdays, valentine, new year, anniversaries. I have no longer joy in these days!

How I allowed myself to reach this stage! Am I depressed! Lost interest in life! Have no passion for life! Are all days the same!

I looked at dad again, he is much older than me; he is the one who should be depressed from all he went through & saw in his 69 years. Yet, he still celebrates new year from his heart.

My last lesson in the last day of 2009... I won't let what's so ever to deprive me from the joy of my special days. The joy is inside me, its a mental status, I control it.

I'll make sure that my resolutions for 2010 to include:

• Celebrating my birthday regardless of old memories & who is there to celebrate it;
• Celebrating new years with the joy of anticipating a new good days to come;
• Making sure to remember anniversaries when I fall in love again;
• Giving myself a gift on special occasions;
• & not to be with who stopped celebrating life.

Grieving Process Based on Newton's Law of Motion

Before I start my mumbling about grieving I want to share a couple of thoughts to establish a common background;

1- Grieving is not about who left who or what is the effect on the one who is been dumped.

2- Grieving process do not apply on me as some of its stages are irrelevant ; denial, bargaining, and acceptance. A rule I live by; you can't give orders to love. Hence, whatever I decide or my other significant decides is accepted as it is, without denial or bargaining,

3- We live in a continuous circle of love/loss. I am not sure if I will envy you, if you have just loved/lost once in your life. We become who we are of what we experience in our limited time.

So back to my major issue of this year Grieving.

I always thought I don't digest well specially when it comes to pain... I thought it takes me long time to acknowledge my loss that's why I have no immediate reaction. After a couple of major losses in my life I finally realized my personal grieving process. I follow Newton's law of motion. Don't prejudge me wait. I am still not hallucinating. One of Newton's law of motion is “For every action there is a reaction equal in magnitude and opposite direction”. When someone like me savor every moment in life & lives it to the fullest, it is normal to grieve each savored moment.

That is the philosophical background. It reflects how deep I am!

To make it simple what I mean by “grieving Newton's way” in layman words:

For every first time after my loss …I pack my gym bag I will remember every bag we packed & the discussion we had over what we missed and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I see a blue city I will wish that my X is with me and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I forget to bring my towel in the shower I will call my X and remember there is no one to bring it and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I eat a tuna in whatever variety it is cooked I will think how my X will drip on it and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I hear thunder I will experience the fear of my X and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I pump my head in cupboard because I forgot to close it, I will hear my X saying “You would never learn to close them” and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I go shopping my eye will catch what my X loves and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I remember our future plans, dreams I wonder which one I still want and I will cry;

My X birthday comes, I'd remember how every previous birthday was celebrated, wish secretly my X happiness and I will cry;

For my first New Year after my loss... I will remember our embrace, kiss and wish I won't cry any more.

May we all as long we are breathing be able to give & receive love no matter who and what we lost.

I Raise My Hands Up & Ask Humbly

May I always be able to spread love & goodness;
May I always find happiness & joy in small things in life;
May my eyes are set on the inner beauty of human beings;
May I realize when I can swim with the flow & when to swim against it;
May I find the strength to focus on the good in my life and master shifting myself out of worry & negativity;
May I have free spirit to travel new paths;
May I choose my life in independence of what others think;
May I always find the way to grow and evolve;
May I find joy in who I become and the trip that is taking me there;
May I have a pure soul not contaminated with jealousy and/or greed whether it is money or power;
May I be humble yet assertive;
May I always chant the gratitude prayer.

Please help me to find home & my passion in life.

Warning! Challenges All Way Long

These words caught my attention. I have changed them a bit to reflect my opinion of why people don't take a stand for injustice in order to make this world a better place for all of us to live in.

Warning! Challenges All Way Long

People...Don’t know

Know but don’t care

Care but don’t know what to do

Know what to do but don’t know how to do it

Know how to do it but don’t have the support

Have support but terrified to do it.

What & Where Is Home?

There are certain subjects/issues people want to understand and it captures their attention to extent it becomes a quest in their life. Some are puzzled to know what is: love; death; after life, God. Me, I have been always puzzled about home...
I have been asking many people to tell me what do they consider a home. I heard a lot of descriptions. I guess as most things in life, home is a relative concept and feeling.

Is it a place we belong to! is it just a place where we have our stuff in! is it a place that is arranged in a comfortable way! is it a person! is it where we grow up! is it where we have precious memories! is it where we want to go back to when we are sick/tired/down!

I don't Know...

What puzzles me is not just the definition of a home but why no place feels like home! That's why I look for home definition because I believe if you don't know what you are looking for how you will recognize it.


But, do we need to feel there is a place we call home? If we don't have a place called home would we go in life loose? Floating around without a sense of belonging. Why do we need to belong? Is home a place we start from & go back to!

Mending My Relationship with Amman

I left 6.5 years ago with wounds & pain and a decision to heal, become a better person and most importantly to start over a fresh life. I knew long time ago that my healing was not complete... I am not in peace with Amman; with the place I grow up in. Simply because Amman for me has been nothing but its kind people. I ended up associating Amman with lost relations and friends, unfulfilled dreams, and painful memories.

For the first months I have stayed here this year, my resentment for the place and rejection to stay was increasing. The tiniest idea of settling back here made my heart heavy and my body gave out all the signs of refusing. I felt it badly.
Almost two month ago I was lucky to meet new people who are unconsciously helping me to re- associate my memories of Amman in a new and joyful way. I started to reestablish a new relationship with things I used to adore and lost along the way, though they are simple but they are … em em … warm, part of me, shaped my character and I missed them a lot.

They are as simple as eating what is available in the season bateekh o jibneh (water melon and white cheese), 7amleh (grilled green chickpeas), Turmus & much more food :-). Interacting and hanging out with people who speak my language, use our funny expressions and terms (min elakher, 6yneh), laugh loud, listen to Fairouz in the mornings and Um Kalthoum at night. gossip, generous, fight and care about each other. How much we (Arabs) differ from other cultures when it comes to interacting with people!

All these simple things are formulating a fresh perspective of place I once called home. For this I am grateful.

On which bases can I identify myself?

I am in always quest to understand myself to know exactly who I am. Since I am in constant change I have been thinking that I need to come up by a kind of classification to fit myself in. I don't care about giving myself labels as much to know who I am really.

I started by combining my nationality, religion, skin colour, gender, ethnic group, to come up by who I am. This left lot of parts of me unidentified. So I can't be only this. Specially, these are among the things I didn't choose in life but they certainly shaped who I am.

Then I thought of my social roles, roles I perform on life stage; daughter, sister, student, friend, lover, manager, colleague, aunt; and more. Is the sum of these social roles define who I am?
To some extent in each role I behave, react, and act differently. More, these roles are not static; from one period to another I change roles; move out from some & take new ones. Does this mean I change my identity each time? As well, I don't place same priority for each role. Example, being an aunt is more important for me than being a manager.

Reflecting deeper, I realize I am not the same person 15,10, 7, 3 years ago. I assume I am growing ;-) My character has changed from experiences I went through, knowledge i acquired and skills I learned. But certain values have not changed, I am still serious, playful, kind, bla bla. Which characteristics can be changed & which arenintrinsic? Are my self core characteristics genetics, something I can't change but they could label me for as long as I live!

For me to recap my kharabeesh:

1. I am Chinese, Christian, Female, with black skin colour (inborn)
2. I am a daughter, sister, manger, friend (social roles)
3. I am kind, generous, stupid (core characteristics)

There is a something in me refuse to be the sum of these, as two classifications: inborn, & core characteristics I have no control of.

I guess I need to search to know more how self identify is classified.

What I have Learned From My Pocket

We learn from different sources in life, family, books, people, but mostly we learn from our own experience or as in an Arabic expression from our own pocket. These lessons are usually the most learned and memorized.

I am sure my pocket has much more lessons but for today these are more than enough:

• Living my life not other people's life.
• Encouraging people to live their own lives & respect their choices.
• Living life with dignity and integrity is a virtue.
• Taking life easy & not seriously. I will only live it once.
  
• Concentrating my time on positive thinking & activities.
• Knowing my self is the hardest thing in life and it is a life time process.
• Forgiving helps in leaving the past behind & moving to the future.
• Giving importance to initial explicit signs will formulate better judgment.
• Avoiding negative and energy draining people is a boost to life.
• Happiness is a mind set and an accumulation of special moments in life.
• It takes years to build trust but it takes one incident to destroy it or to shake it fundamentally.
• I am the sole person responsible for my well being, happiness and peace.
• I can't please everyone so at least I should put the effort to please myself.
• Once I truly love I can not replace it with hate.
• Life is not fair. I don't wait for justice.
• Since I already hit the bottom some time ago, I won't be scared next time; I already poses the skills and tools that helped me to get up.
• People need to be listened to when they are down, they don't need advices. They will ask for it when they need it.

Adios Cyprus

April is where I evaluate myself & life path. In April 2007, I said WOW. I am here... living my dreams. Having all I wanted. I worked hard on levels to achieve them; myself, academic, knowledge and professional. I was scared I have no more dreams to peruse, how I go in life dreamless!

I started to ask myself what to do next. Absolutely nothing. Just to live & enjoy my life to the fullest. And I did.

I enjoyed every single weekend. I enjoyed laying down on the beach, reading, swimming, listing to music, watching people. I enjoyed my daily morning walks sea side. I enjoyed exploring villages, beaches, & taverns. I loved my car & all the disasters I did driving on the wrong side of road.

At home, I enjoyed my room mate intelligence, sense of humor, easy going, respect, and compromises. I enjoyed our rituals, chores. I enjoyed rectifying our disasters. I enjoyed the cultural exchange we had to go through. I enjoyed cooking & experimenting new dishes. I enjoyed watching from the windows the rain & thunderstorms striking the sea. I enjoyed cold days tucked under the blanket on the sofa in front of the TV just watching series after series. I enjoyed going home with take away pizza & watching CSI. I enjoyed peeling pomegranates every Sat wearing hand made cover from plastic sacs (it didn't work, I can't count how many undershirt I ruined). I enjoyed going back to Amman whenever I could which was often. I enjoyed hosting my family every summer. I enjoyed the vacations traveling.

At work, I enjoyed leading a team, running projects, for sure not handling the customers. Enjoyed the pre sales consultation & product marketing. Enjoyed setting implementation standards. Enjoyed working on new products & ideas. I enjoyed the challenge of working with 7 nationalities in same office and our breaks on balcony playing tricks on each other. I enjoyed the business trips I had by extending a weekend before & after exploring. Maybe this part (work) was the worst of my life setting; stressful but bearable.

I never complained about my lifestyle or settings. I was happily satisfied.

I guess what I am just trying to say here is goodbye. I am closing a chapter of my life, for it I say Salute.

My Birthday Gift

I got this year for my birthday the best gift ever. It was unique very personal. Couldn't imagine different perfect timing to receive it. From excitement I became numb. I have no clue how to react properly to it!

Just mentioning it today let me realize how huge it is … How it will alter my plans!

Yet, my current concern is from where I can buy my preferred ROC rollon deodorant. I have to google it soon.

I hope you dance

No matter when or how many times I hear this song I become silent. Silent for what it inspires..

• Not to take anything or granted - I hope you never lose your sense of wonder. May you never take one single breath for granted

• To be humble - I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean

• Hope - Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens. When you come close to selling out Reconsider. And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance I hope you dance

• To live life fully - Never settle for the path of least resistance . Wants to look back on their youth and wonder Where those years have gone.

There is nothing more I could wish for anyone but to take chances and & get the most out of his/her life. Don't settle for less than what you want.

I hope you dance … Dance

Home Alone..Not The Movie

Ya, I know I am a person that really enjoys herself without people's company & I am myself best friend. But I love the company of joyful, interesting friends. A tiny reason for having friends is that I enjoy laughing on my goofiness with them. Trust me I have plenty.

Being back here in Amman for such a long period (3 months) made me feel very alone. With no like-minded friends I am spending most of the time Home Alone.

I am fully aware of why I reached this stage.. it doesn't hit me as a surprise; Simply:
- I had best friends who didn't know my full story, then quitting on them slowly for a reason they have no clue about;
- leaving Jordan; &
- living abroad in two different countries with extensive business trips.

What do I expect to have friends dropping from the sky!

The issue now is:
1.Who makes new friends at 37! No comments of whats so ever
2.How can I manage to meet new people in Amman? Is it worthy! I have less than one more month here.
3.If it is worthy, where can I find such “like-minded” people?
4.How can I avoid having the same problem in Canada once I settle there?

What do I mean by “Like-minded” friends:
- Open minded & liberal
- Joyful & love to play
- Have love for culture, books, travel, other interests of their own
- Take their share of responsibility in life i.e. live for a cause
- Accept people for who they are
- I'd feel comfortable and happy around


I don't want to be desperate for friendship, I trust it will come on its own time.

My Gratitude List

I am grateful for my transitional period; for the time to relax; travel; explore; reflect and connect with people I care of.
I am grateful for my health; I have never been healthier.
I am grateful for my ability to think clearly, to grow, and to help myself.
I am grateful for my curiosity and hunger to know more.
I am grateful for my knowledge & intelligence.
I am grateful for my ability to take decisions and be in charger of my life.
I am grateful for my ability to dream & make these dreams come true.
I am grateful for my goofiness.
I am grateful for my caring Baba.
I am grateful for having someone to share my life with.
I am grateful for my relation with my nephews and niece; they are filling me with warmth & joy.
I am grateful for my sister/ best friend; for trusting me of what she values most in her life.
I am grateful for my mom for being nice.
I am grateful for the health of my family & friends.
I am grateful for Leens presence in my life.
I am grateful for my house & my financial comfort.
I am grateful for going to the gym every day.
I am grateful for the books, articles and blogs I am reading.
I am grateful for the documentaries I am watching.
I am grateful the the series that helped me to understand myself better.
I am grateful for what I have achieved so far in my life.
I am grateful to blog my kharabeesh again..
I am grateful for who I am; out of mind & total mess :-)

The Quest For My Passion

“There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few that will catch your heart . . . Pursue those.” Anonymous


I am in a stage where:
1- I have accomplished much in my life on different levels i.e. education, career, & more.
2- But now I am in a point where the dreams and goals I pursued in my life have either been accomplished or don’t seem appealing anymore.
3- I have a wonderful life and yet something is missing. Simply I am dissatisfied & restless. What shall I do with the rest of my life? How can I make the most of my years to come! (Is this what they call mid life career crisis? :-))
4- I want to use my experience, knowledge, and talent to make a difference in some way and to enjoy it!

This is my puzzle! What catches my heart?

All I know in this moment is that this passion; has to make my life satisfying and fulfilling, matters to me, is intellectual & cultural, and can make at least a slight difference in the world.

Value of what we have

I am wondering why some people don't appreciate what they have in life until they lose it. How they can't be grateful and thankful... How they can not live it and enjoy it.

Collecting As A Hobby

I have been always amazed of people assembling collection of just about anything; mugs, shots, rubbers, pencils, stones, matches, etc... I wonder if it gives them a sense of security or it is an expression of an emotional status.

I am not a fan of collections, I feel that by collecting I will become attached. With attachment I am immobile, I am stuck. I have to fit what I love in my bag. If it doesn't then it is not mine!

After giving this speech.....

I now collect magnets from different corners of this world, they give glimpses to the things that caught my attention in the country I am visiting. I have no idea when or how it started.
And I am not sure if I am attached to them? If I am stuck? I hope not. I just collect them for the fun & pleasure of coloring my dull metal door at home :-)

My collection is nice but it is not comparable with the Magnet Lady who owns 29,000 magnets as of February 2002 according to the British "Book of alternative records". I don't want to compete with her not even in my wildest dreams.

My Recipe to Happiness

At a certain point of my life to be more specific in June 2003 I decided that life is not worth living. Life is ugly, hard, tough and not fair. So, I took the decision that either I find my way to happiness no matter what I go through or....

After 5 years of my decision, I can say I am happy this does not mean that life got much better! My secret recipe might be applicable to others.

First -Happiness is now, not when I get a better job, more money, or find a partner. No more postponing. My happiness is met with minimal conditions, in indifference if my “if conditions” are met or not.

Second- What happened has happened in the past. It shaped me, made me who I am. I am grateful for all what I went through. I tired hard to deal with my past, pain, & agony. I did my best to get over it & let it go. Sometimes past do pop up again but now I have better things to focus on :-)

Third – Over the years I cultivated good habits through daily practice. I no longer put effort to do them but I can't claim it was easy. My new routine allowed me to maintain a certain momentum of happiness even when things go wrong. What have worked for me are:

• Keeping my gratitude list active
• Nurturing my relationships; specially my 1^st circle of relations
• Doing some random acts of kindness to strangers & people I love
• Exercising; walking, swimming, playing squash, etc..
• Connecting to nature, spending as much time as I can out doors
• Contemplating on beauty; sunset, sea, mountains, kids clouds, smell of flowers, delicious food
• De-cluttering- I no longer keep things I don't use in a year. I no longer keep books from university days or documents from my work, or cloth that I don't wear. I enjoy giving stuff away.

Fourth- Happiness is my internal status not the result of life circumstances. I do get sad when my company lay me off, when my relationship with my partner is spiraling down, when.. when. But they don't knock me down or let me lose my insight on the other great things in my life. By having happiness as my ultimate goal I became healthier, stronger, more helpful, creative, and willing to try new things.

Tweeting what I said: Happiness is achivable coz it is state of mind that consist of positive emotions and & positive activities.

May we all be happy.

I came across this statement. I believe it has a truth in it: We have all had our struggles in life – it’s part of what makes us all unique and (hopefully) interesting people; however, we are also so much more than our struggles.