I Believe...

I enjoyed reading "I Believe", but I omitted some parts which I don't believe in and reorder them on a personal relevance.

I believe-
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.

I believe-
that our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe-
that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.



I believe-
that you can keep going
long after you can't.

I believe-
that it isn't always enough to be
forgiven by others. Sometimes you
have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe-
that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being. 


I believe-
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me
the right to be cruel.



I believe-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe-
that two people can look at the exact
same thing and see something totally.
different.

I believe-
that your life can be changed in a matter of
hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe-
that even when you think you have no more
to give, when a friend cries out to you
you will find the strength to help.


I believe-
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I believe-
that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.


I believe-
that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.

I believe-
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every
once in a while and you must forgive
them for that.

I believe-
that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I believe-
that you should always leave loved ones
with loving words. It may be the last
time you see them.

I believe-
that regardless of how hot and
steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there had
better be something else to take
its place.

I believe-
that heroes are the people
who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I believe-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe-
that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.

I believe-
that just because someone doesn't love
you the way you want them to doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe-
that maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe-
that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.

Love Relationship Themes

If we pause and contemplate on each relations we had as adults, we will figure out that each one has a central issue about it. Each theme holds a different suffering to go through. I am sure there are more themes but at least what I am aware of are:

Begging Theme
I love you, I will do anything for you
I love you, please stay
I love you, I will never love again like I love you
I love you, I will take good care of you
I love you, please don't go

Hurt Theme
I love you but please stop doing XXX it hurts me
I love you but please I am not feeling well of doing XXX
I love you could we please not do this any more
I love you but I can't take it any more
I love you but please give me space

Shame Theme
I love you but I can't stay with you
I love you but my belief & values don't allow me to be with you
I love you but what we are doing is wrong
I love you but my family, friends, neighbors will start to talk
I love you but I feel ashamed of us
I love you but my guilt is larger than my love

I Don't Care Theme
I love you but I am not interested in whatever you are interested in
I love you but can I watch TV now
I love you but I can't join you at your parents dinner
I love you but I have work to do
I love you but sorry I did not get you anything for your birthday

Sexless Theme
I love you but don't kiss me
I love you but I don't feel like making love tonight
I love you but could you just hug me
I love you but I don't know why I can not touch you

Some could be totally unlucky to experience two themes in the same relations; then their agony & hurt is doubled. But most cases will be a mix of one of the above themes & Love theme.
Any how, each theme teach us a lesson and gives us more insight of what we want in life.


p.s.
I left the Love theme till then then because it is my day dream one :-)

Love Theme
I love you.... I love you too
I care about you..... I care more
I want you.... I can't take my hands off you
I want to go out with my friends... I want to visit my parents
I am coming home early... my my what a romantic dinner
I want to join you @ your parents dinner... I want to be with you when you pick your sister
I want to leave my Job... I will help you finding a better one
I miss you... I will pick you up
I will pick the laundry... I will cook
I will massage your back.... could you please do my head too
Where will we travel this year?....em em China
Dance with me? .... I melt in your arms
You make me laugh.. you bring me joy
What do you think is a proper reaction... I guess you'll have to apologize
What is your new fantasy? .... To be a :-) to do :-)

I guess my definition of  Love is a tango of friendship filled with passion & lived with romantic moments.

I go back to my day dream.

What are you, a raw egg, a jelly or an onion?

After writing my last post "An Onion Model for Relationships Management", I found this article http://www.positivepath.net/ideasCJ9.asp that classifies people into three categories:

A raw egg type: people who have a hard outer exterior, but once their shell is cracked or broken they start to fall apart.

A jelly type: people who are soft, with no emotional barriers and easily manipulated .

An onion type: people who have emotional layers and permit others in, when they are worthy to be trusted with their inner emotions.

So under which type do you fall in? and which type of people you are more comfortable with?

An Onion Model for Relationships Management

Past months led me to think deeply on how I view relationships and what do they mean to me. Since a big portion of my brain is built into analysis & modeling I came up with this analogy; relationships are wrapped into layers similar to onion layers. My onion is made up of five layers: the central layer is my relationship with myself, then in sequence, comes precious people layer, friends layer, duty layer and acquaintances layer.

My relation with myself is the core for all my other relationships. Getting to know myself, accepting, and loving her is my ultimate quest in life. It is not narcissism nor selfishness. My argument for this point is:

• If I don't know myself well, how would I let others know me...
• If I don't accept myself as it is with all my shortcoming & defaults, who would accept me ...
• If I don't love myself who would love me...
• If I don't cherish myself, who would cherish me...

My second layer is designated for my precious ones; the ones who I love unconditionally, accept them as they are. For them I do anything to maintain their well being and growth in life. I am there for them without them asking. This layer is for loved ones & a partner.

Then comes the friends layer, friends who I trust, love and care about. Friends who are an added value to my life.

The forth layer comes for duty relations; people who I am obliged to care for out of duty but not love. Some family members or old friends could fall into this category.

Last layer is for acquaintances; people who I share an interest or a hobby with, colleagues at work, etc...People who are nice to know.

Having this perspective has helped me to prioritize my resources accordingly; specially time, love & attention.

One more thing, since the only constant in life is change, therefore, people in these layers are not static. They are not placed in any given layer for a lifetime; their status is upgradable or downgrade-able. Usually downgrading is accompanied with grief process. Upgrading requires time, trust & effort and it is something I am very precocious about simply because I don't let go easily. Who would take loosing & grieving easily!

May we have fruitful relations in our life & may the bad ones make from us better people (not bitter).

Cheers

Loss of Hearing My Inner Voice

It has been a very very long time since I had a day to myself. On Friday, I went down to Wadi Mujib for an overnight. Here is how I spent my perfect 24 hours!

While driving I was listening & singing some of my favorite oldies & enjoying the scenery along the road. Immediately after checking in around 4 pm I laid down on the hammock facing dead sea. I started eating Man'aoush half zaa'tar & half cheese :-) yummy yummy. How humanity could survive without zaa'tar :-)

I rocked myself (on the hammock) from one side to another till 9 pm. I was not reading, nor listening to music... I was just observing silence, sea, mountains, sunset, darkness, stars....filling my soul with peace.

I went inside my room assuming that I am gonna sleep on the spot, instead I read till 10:30. Next morning, the minute I opened my eyes & for 2 hours tugged under a blanket, laying on the hammock I felt & enjoyed the early sun light & cool breath. After breakfast, I took some pictures of the area & went down to the sea level with my book. I kept on tossing under the sun like a Shwerma on a grill & reading till 4:30 pm. I finished the novel :-) then I went back to my room packed & laid again on my hummock singing my gratitude prayer.

I uprooted myself to leave... left craving for more. Despite this unfulfilled feeling & the short period, I managed to see a tremendous change of how I was feeling before & after. A soul make over!

I can't believe of all what I know about myself, I managed to clutter my inner self with daze, chaos and noise. To extent I have hard time hearing my inner voice. I lost my serenity & connection with myself. I lost my best friend. What terrified me most, is that when I considered going alone a feeling of of aloneness & loneliness overwhelmed me. Which I never had before...I do maintain & restore my balance when I am alone.

For months I had this nagging need of spending time in nature by myself or with just one friend. My daily working out is not enough any more to maintain my serenity. Exercising in a gym is not a meditating routine… not like walking outdoors. Staying in my house for a couple of hours now & then is not enough... I could not any longer digest & reflect on all these events, emotions, & people around me.

I transformed my life from a life revolving around a few precious people to a life full of people & social events. I no longer could manage a balance between time for myself & time for others.

I know my reasons for postponing spending time alone but it is not an excuses to permit myself to reach such a stage. These noises & chaotic emotions that fills my soul have to end. I want my best friend & true self back.

It is just one corrective action that I need to take: Plenty of out door activities alone

My recipe for a perfect day consists of:

• Being in nature, near water is an added value
• Enjoying silence
• Hearing my inner voice
• Reading a good book
• Eating yummy food
• Listing my blessings

May our souls be blessed with serenity, peace & connection with our true selves.
more photos

My last lesson in the last day of 2009

My dad appeared on the new year eve dressed with a joyful smile. Our kids looked up at him and asked Sido why you are putting a flower in your pocket? He answered: “It is new year & I am wearing a new shirt as well, look... ” Do you want to smell the flower?

At that moment it hits me …. I ceased to really celebrate personal special days like my birthdays, valentine, new year, anniversaries. I have no longer joy in these days!

How I allowed myself to reach this stage! Am I depressed! Lost interest in life! Have no passion for life! Are all days the same!

I looked at dad again, he is much older than me; he is the one who should be depressed from all he went through & saw in his 69 years. Yet, he still celebrates new year from his heart.

My last lesson in the last day of 2009... I won't let what's so ever to deprive me from the joy of my special days. The joy is inside me, its a mental status, I control it.

I'll make sure that my resolutions for 2010 to include:

• Celebrating my birthday regardless of old memories & who is there to celebrate it;
• Celebrating new years with the joy of anticipating a new good days to come;
• Making sure to remember anniversaries when I fall in love again;
• Giving myself a gift on special occasions;
• & not to be with who stopped celebrating life.

Warning! Challenges All Way Long

These words caught my attention. I have changed them a bit to reflect my opinion of why people don't take a stand for injustice in order to make this world a better place for all of us to live in.

Warning! Challenges All Way Long

People...Don’t know

Know but don’t care

Care but don’t know what to do

Know what to do but don’t know how to do it

Know how to do it but don’t have the support

Have support but terrified to do it.

What & Where Is Home?

There are certain subjects/issues people want to understand and it captures their attention to extent it becomes a quest in their life. Some are puzzled to know what is: love; death; after life, God. Me, I have been always puzzled about home...
I have been asking many people to tell me what do they consider a home. I heard a lot of descriptions. I guess as most things in life, home is a relative concept and feeling.

Is it a place we belong to! is it just a place where we have our stuff in! is it a place that is arranged in a comfortable way! is it a person! is it where we grow up! is it where we have precious memories! is it where we want to go back to when we are sick/tired/down!

I don't Know...

What puzzles me is not just the definition of a home but why no place feels like home! That's why I look for home definition because I believe if you don't know what you are looking for how you will recognize it.


But, do we need to feel there is a place we call home? If we don't have a place called home would we go in life loose? Floating around without a sense of belonging. Why do we need to belong? Is home a place we start from & go back to!

Mending My Relationship with Amman

I left 6.5 years ago with wounds & pain and a decision to heal, become a better person and most importantly to start over a fresh life. I knew long time ago that my healing was not complete... I am not in peace with Amman; with the place I grow up in. Simply because Amman for me has been nothing but its kind people. I ended up associating Amman with lost relations and friends, unfulfilled dreams, and painful memories.

For the first months I have stayed here this year, my resentment for the place and rejection to stay was increasing. The tiniest idea of settling back here made my heart heavy and my body gave out all the signs of refusing. I felt it badly.
Almost two month ago I was lucky to meet new people who are unconsciously helping me to re- associate my memories of Amman in a new and joyful way. I started to reestablish a new relationship with things I used to adore and lost along the way, though they are simple but they are … em em … warm, part of me, shaped my character and I missed them a lot.

They are as simple as eating what is available in the season bateekh o jibneh (water melon and white cheese), 7amleh (grilled green chickpeas), Turmus & much more food :-). Interacting and hanging out with people who speak my language, use our funny expressions and terms (min elakher, 6yneh), laugh loud, listen to Fairouz in the mornings and Um Kalthoum at night. gossip, generous, fight and care about each other. How much we (Arabs) differ from other cultures when it comes to interacting with people!

All these simple things are formulating a fresh perspective of place I once called home. For this I am grateful.

On which bases can I identify myself?

I am in always quest to understand myself to know exactly who I am. Since I am in constant change I have been thinking that I need to come up by a kind of classification to fit myself in. I don't care about giving myself labels as much to know who I am really.

I started by combining my nationality, religion, skin colour, gender, ethnic group, to come up by who I am. This left lot of parts of me unidentified. So I can't be only this. Specially, these are among the things I didn't choose in life but they certainly shaped who I am.

Then I thought of my social roles, roles I perform on life stage; daughter, sister, student, friend, lover, manager, colleague, aunt; and more. Is the sum of these social roles define who I am?
To some extent in each role I behave, react, and act differently. More, these roles are not static; from one period to another I change roles; move out from some & take new ones. Does this mean I change my identity each time? As well, I don't place same priority for each role. Example, being an aunt is more important for me than being a manager.

Reflecting deeper, I realize I am not the same person 15,10, 7, 3 years ago. I assume I am growing ;-) My character has changed from experiences I went through, knowledge i acquired and skills I learned. But certain values have not changed, I am still serious, playful, kind, bla bla. Which characteristics can be changed & which arenintrinsic? Are my self core characteristics genetics, something I can't change but they could label me for as long as I live!

For me to recap my kharabeesh:

1. I am Chinese, Christian, Female, with black skin colour (inborn)
2. I am a daughter, sister, manger, friend (social roles)
3. I am kind, generous, stupid (core characteristics)

There is a something in me refuse to be the sum of these, as two classifications: inborn, & core characteristics I have no control of.

I guess I need to search to know more how self identify is classified.

What I have Learned From My Pocket

We learn from different sources in life, family, books, people, but mostly we learn from our own experience or as in an Arabic expression from our own pocket. These lessons are usually the most learned and memorized.

I am sure my pocket has much more lessons but for today these are more than enough:

• Living my life not other people's life.
• Encouraging people to live their own lives & respect their choices.
• Living life with dignity and integrity is a virtue.
• Taking life easy & not seriously. I will only live it once.
  
• Concentrating my time on positive thinking & activities.
• Knowing my self is the hardest thing in life and it is a life time process.
• Forgiving helps in leaving the past behind & moving to the future.
• Giving importance to initial explicit signs will formulate better judgment.
• Avoiding negative and energy draining people is a boost to life.
• Happiness is a mind set and an accumulation of special moments in life.
• It takes years to build trust but it takes one incident to destroy it or to shake it fundamentally.
• I am the sole person responsible for my well being, happiness and peace.
• I can't please everyone so at least I should put the effort to please myself.
• Once I truly love I can not replace it with hate.
• Life is not fair. I don't wait for justice.
• Since I already hit the bottom some time ago, I won't be scared next time; I already poses the skills and tools that helped me to get up.
• People need to be listened to when they are down, they don't need advices. They will ask for it when they need it.

Adios Cyprus

April is where I evaluate myself & life path. In April 2007, I said WOW. I am here... living my dreams. Having all I wanted. I worked hard on levels to achieve them; myself, academic, knowledge and professional. I was scared I have no more dreams to peruse, how I go in life dreamless!

I started to ask myself what to do next. Absolutely nothing. Just to live & enjoy my life to the fullest. And I did.

I enjoyed every single weekend. I enjoyed laying down on the beach, reading, swimming, listing to music, watching people. I enjoyed my daily morning walks sea side. I enjoyed exploring villages, beaches, & taverns. I loved my car & all the disasters I did driving on the wrong side of road.

At home, I enjoyed my room mate intelligence, sense of humor, easy going, respect, and compromises. I enjoyed our rituals, chores. I enjoyed rectifying our disasters. I enjoyed the cultural exchange we had to go through. I enjoyed cooking & experimenting new dishes. I enjoyed watching from the windows the rain & thunderstorms striking the sea. I enjoyed cold days tucked under the blanket on the sofa in front of the TV just watching series after series. I enjoyed going home with take away pizza & watching CSI. I enjoyed peeling pomegranates every Sat wearing hand made cover from plastic sacs (it didn't work, I can't count how many undershirt I ruined). I enjoyed going back to Amman whenever I could which was often. I enjoyed hosting my family every summer. I enjoyed the vacations traveling.

At work, I enjoyed leading a team, running projects, for sure not handling the customers. Enjoyed the pre sales consultation & product marketing. Enjoyed setting implementation standards. Enjoyed working on new products & ideas. I enjoyed the challenge of working with 7 nationalities in same office and our breaks on balcony playing tricks on each other. I enjoyed the business trips I had by extending a weekend before & after exploring. Maybe this part (work) was the worst of my life setting; stressful but bearable.

I never complained about my lifestyle or settings. I was happily satisfied.

I guess what I am just trying to say here is goodbye. I am closing a chapter of my life, for it I say Salute.

I hope you dance

No matter when or how many times I hear this song I become silent. Silent for what it inspires..

• Not to take anything or granted - I hope you never lose your sense of wonder. May you never take one single breath for granted

• To be humble - I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean

• Hope - Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens. When you come close to selling out Reconsider. And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance I hope you dance

• To live life fully - Never settle for the path of least resistance . Wants to look back on their youth and wonder Where those years have gone.

There is nothing more I could wish for anyone but to take chances and & get the most out of his/her life. Don't settle for less than what you want.

I hope you dance … Dance

Jordanian Bloggers

Recently I started to read some blogs of people who live in Jordan. I admit I was ignorant & absorbed with an idea that in Jordan we just take certificates without real knowledge & intellect. And our only concern in life is what we own, how we look, and who we know. These blogs proved me wrong. I could not be happier.
I enjoyed reading these blogs because they reflect our culture, tackle our concerns, courageous, and some were really funny. Which I really miss listening to & discussing.

My Recipe to Happiness

At a certain point of my life to be more specific in June 2003 I decided that life is not worth living. Life is ugly, hard, tough and not fair. So, I took the decision that either I find my way to happiness no matter what I go through or....

After 5 years of my decision, I can say I am happy this does not mean that life got much better! My secret recipe might be applicable to others.

First -Happiness is now, not when I get a better job, more money, or find a partner. No more postponing. My happiness is met with minimal conditions, in indifference if my “if conditions” are met or not.

Second- What happened has happened in the past. It shaped me, made me who I am. I am grateful for all what I went through. I tired hard to deal with my past, pain, & agony. I did my best to get over it & let it go. Sometimes past do pop up again but now I have better things to focus on :-)

Third – Over the years I cultivated good habits through daily practice. I no longer put effort to do them but I can't claim it was easy. My new routine allowed me to maintain a certain momentum of happiness even when things go wrong. What have worked for me are:

• Keeping my gratitude list active
• Nurturing my relationships; specially my 1^st circle of relations
• Doing some random acts of kindness to strangers & people I love
• Exercising; walking, swimming, playing squash, etc..
• Connecting to nature, spending as much time as I can out doors
• Contemplating on beauty; sunset, sea, mountains, kids clouds, smell of flowers, delicious food
• De-cluttering- I no longer keep things I don't use in a year. I no longer keep books from university days or documents from my work, or cloth that I don't wear. I enjoy giving stuff away.

Fourth- Happiness is my internal status not the result of life circumstances. I do get sad when my company lay me off, when my relationship with my partner is spiraling down, when.. when. But they don't knock me down or let me lose my insight on the other great things in my life. By having happiness as my ultimate goal I became healthier, stronger, more helpful, creative, and willing to try new things.

Tweeting what I said: Happiness is achivable coz it is state of mind that consist of positive emotions and & positive activities.

May we all be happy.

I came across this statement. I believe it has a truth in it: We have all had our struggles in life – it’s part of what makes us all unique and (hopefully) interesting people; however, we are also so much more than our struggles.

The Past Is Past

Green is everywhere…the long trees are hiding the sky… you can barely see the sky when looking up… Leaves are everywhere on the ground, you can hear the cracking voices while you are walking…

The sun breaks through the trees & creates a dazzling view… Walking aimlessly, walking slowly, there is nothing to run for… You are absorbing every single scene, inhaling deeply each breath, smelling the trees and the land… You just keep walking…

You want the nature to touch your spirit… to heal the wounds inside… to cure the pains… you are opening up … you are letting it inside your body … you wanted it to sneak to every corner… not to leave a place without a gentle touch of love & warmth…

You keep walking till you reach a lake… You sit down near the shore, doing nothing… nothing at all… a calmness wave brush your soul, creating a sense of relief, a sense of "everything is over”... nothing more to be worried about… the coolness doesn’t bather you at all…as the sun is going down…. u feel just safe, secured, healed, & warmed…

Follow Your Destiny Wherever It Leads You

I bought myself a gift; a Blue Mountain Arts poster“Follow Your Destiny Wherever It Leads You”, and since then it is hanged where I can read it. I find it a truthful one and something I can relate to in my own life. Life brought me equal amount of surprises and disappointments that altered my path and directions in life. In both ways I had to be decisive to do something about my plans and choices, and never just wait for them to fall right in front of me. For me it is claiming my life, and be in charge of it.
I guess by being decisive I am believing in my own capabilities, skills, values and ration. I wish never to let life steer me but I to lead my life despite how harsh or kind are the circumstances.
Here are the words of the poster:

There comes a time in your life when you realize that if you stand still,
You will remain at this point forever.
You realize that if you fall and stay down, life will pass you by.
Life's circumstances are not always what you might wish them to be.
The pattern of life does not necessarily go as you plan.
Beyond any understanding, you may at times be led
in different directions that you never imagined, dreamed, or designed.
Yet if you had never put any effort into choosing a path,
or tried to carry out your dream,
then perhaps you would have no direction at all.Rather than wondering about or questioning the direction your life has taken,
accept the fact that there is a path before you now.
Shake off the ‘whys’ and ‘what ifs,’ and rid yourself of confusion.
Whatever was — is in the past.
Whatever is — is what's important.
The past is a brief reflection.
The future is yet to be realized.
Today is here.
Walk your path one step at a time — with courage, faith, and determination.
Keep your head up and cast your dream to the stars.
Soon your steps will become firm, and your footing will be solid again.
A path that you never imagined will become the most comfortable direction
you could have ever hoped to follow.
Keep your belief in yourself and walk into your new journey.
You will find it magnificent, spectacular, and beyond your wildest imaginings.

Vicki Silvers