Loss of Hearing My Inner Voice

It has been a very very long time since I had a day to myself. On Friday, I went down to Wadi Mujib for an overnight. Here is how I spent my perfect 24 hours!

While driving I was listening & singing some of my favorite oldies & enjoying the scenery along the road. Immediately after checking in around 4 pm I laid down on the hammock facing dead sea. I started eating Man'aoush half zaa'tar & half cheese :-) yummy yummy. How humanity could survive without zaa'tar :-)

I rocked myself (on the hammock) from one side to another till 9 pm. I was not reading, nor listening to music... I was just observing silence, sea, mountains, sunset, darkness, stars....filling my soul with peace.

I went inside my room assuming that I am gonna sleep on the spot, instead I read till 10:30. Next morning, the minute I opened my eyes & for 2 hours tugged under a blanket, laying on the hammock I felt & enjoyed the early sun light & cool breath. After breakfast, I took some pictures of the area & went down to the sea level with my book. I kept on tossing under the sun like a Shwerma on a grill & reading till 4:30 pm. I finished the novel :-) then I went back to my room packed & laid again on my hummock singing my gratitude prayer.

I uprooted myself to leave... left craving for more. Despite this unfulfilled feeling & the short period, I managed to see a tremendous change of how I was feeling before & after. A soul make over!

I can't believe of all what I know about myself, I managed to clutter my inner self with daze, chaos and noise. To extent I have hard time hearing my inner voice. I lost my serenity & connection with myself. I lost my best friend. What terrified me most, is that when I considered going alone a feeling of of aloneness & loneliness overwhelmed me. Which I never had before...I do maintain & restore my balance when I am alone.

For months I had this nagging need of spending time in nature by myself or with just one friend. My daily working out is not enough any more to maintain my serenity. Exercising in a gym is not a meditating routine… not like walking outdoors. Staying in my house for a couple of hours now & then is not enough... I could not any longer digest & reflect on all these events, emotions, & people around me.

I transformed my life from a life revolving around a few precious people to a life full of people & social events. I no longer could manage a balance between time for myself & time for others.

I know my reasons for postponing spending time alone but it is not an excuses to permit myself to reach such a stage. These noises & chaotic emotions that fills my soul have to end. I want my best friend & true self back.

It is just one corrective action that I need to take: Plenty of out door activities alone

My recipe for a perfect day consists of:

• Being in nature, near water is an added value
• Enjoying silence
• Hearing my inner voice
• Reading a good book
• Eating yummy food
• Listing my blessings

May our souls be blessed with serenity, peace & connection with our true selves.
more photos

Memorable quotation from Brick Lane (2007)

No one told me there are different kinds of love. The kind that starts deep (big) and slowly wears away; that seems you will never use it up and then one day it is finished. Then there is the kind you do not notice at first but which adds a little bit to itself every day like an oyster makes a pearl, grain by grain, a jewel from the sand. That is the kind I have come to know.

Run Lola Run

"Man... probably the most mysterious species on our planet. A mystery of unanswered questions. Who are we? Where do we come from? Where are we going? How do we know what we think we know? Why do we believe anything at all? Countless questions in search of an answer... an answer that will give rise to a new question... and the next answer will give rise to the next question and so on. But, in the end, isn't it always the same question? And always the same answer?"

Our life can be altered by 20 seconds, by people we meet, by sequence of events....This is what the movie is all about.

My last lesson in the last day of 2009

My dad appeared on the new year eve dressed with a joyful smile. Our kids looked up at him and asked Sido why you are putting a flower in your pocket? He answered: “It is new year & I am wearing a new shirt as well, look... ” Do you want to smell the flower?

At that moment it hits me …. I ceased to really celebrate personal special days like my birthdays, valentine, new year, anniversaries. I have no longer joy in these days!

How I allowed myself to reach this stage! Am I depressed! Lost interest in life! Have no passion for life! Are all days the same!

I looked at dad again, he is much older than me; he is the one who should be depressed from all he went through & saw in his 69 years. Yet, he still celebrates new year from his heart.

My last lesson in the last day of 2009... I won't let what's so ever to deprive me from the joy of my special days. The joy is inside me, its a mental status, I control it.

I'll make sure that my resolutions for 2010 to include:

• Celebrating my birthday regardless of old memories & who is there to celebrate it;
• Celebrating new years with the joy of anticipating a new good days to come;
• Making sure to remember anniversaries when I fall in love again;
• Giving myself a gift on special occasions;
• & not to be with who stopped celebrating life.

Grieving Process Based on Newton's Law of Motion

Before I start my mumbling about grieving I want to share a couple of thoughts to establish a common background;

1- Grieving is not about who left who or what is the effect on the one who is been dumped.

2- Grieving process do not apply on me as some of its stages are irrelevant ; denial, bargaining, and acceptance. A rule I live by; you can't give orders to love. Hence, whatever I decide or my other significant decides is accepted as it is, without denial or bargaining,

3- We live in a continuous circle of love/loss. I am not sure if I will envy you, if you have just loved/lost once in your life. We become who we are of what we experience in our limited time.

So back to my major issue of this year Grieving.

I always thought I don't digest well specially when it comes to pain... I thought it takes me long time to acknowledge my loss that's why I have no immediate reaction. After a couple of major losses in my life I finally realized my personal grieving process. I follow Newton's law of motion. Don't prejudge me wait. I am still not hallucinating. One of Newton's law of motion is “For every action there is a reaction equal in magnitude and opposite direction”. When someone like me savor every moment in life & lives it to the fullest, it is normal to grieve each savored moment.

That is the philosophical background. It reflects how deep I am!

To make it simple what I mean by “grieving Newton's way” in layman words:

For every first time after my loss …I pack my gym bag I will remember every bag we packed & the discussion we had over what we missed and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I see a blue city I will wish that my X is with me and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I forget to bring my towel in the shower I will call my X and remember there is no one to bring it and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I eat a tuna in whatever variety it is cooked I will think how my X will drip on it and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I hear thunder I will experience the fear of my X and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I pump my head in cupboard because I forgot to close it, I will hear my X saying “You would never learn to close them” and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I go shopping my eye will catch what my X loves and I will cry;

For every first time after my loss …I remember our future plans, dreams I wonder which one I still want and I will cry;

My X birthday comes, I'd remember how every previous birthday was celebrated, wish secretly my X happiness and I will cry;

For my first New Year after my loss... I will remember our embrace, kiss and wish I won't cry any more.

May we all as long we are breathing be able to give & receive love no matter who and what we lost.